It can be incredibly difficult to sit with positive feelings as a survivor of CSA. I mostly lived, and still do at times, with an internal nervous system on edge. Frazzled felt normal to me. It took many years of healing work to recognize how I would feel joy, but then take unconscious steps towards feeling stress and struggle once again.
Fear felt normal - not joy.
Therefore, I would put myself back into the familiar territory of feeling unglued.
Then, I had this revelation . . . It's work to hold onto happiness without unknowingly sabotaging it.
And thankfully, that was eventually followed up with . . .
I can give myself permission to be happy, feel joyous, and live with positive feelings. I am allowed to be peaceful, and for more than a few minutes.
Wait, What? Really, I'm allowed and capable of doing that?
My child self can't even begin to grasp that idea. Aren't I too damn broken and dysfunctional to be a whole happy woman? Some wise inner healer part of myself responded, "No, I'm not hopeless. I am allowed to and capable of feeling whole. I will use my inner strength, and I'll allow spiritual help and help from whomever is put on my path."
I give myself permission to feel joy, to hang onto it for awhile, and to not get mad at myself when I let it go for that old familiar inner strife. I realized I can retrain my mind to recognize joy as normal. It takes time to work this out, so I will need to be patient with myself.
I deserve to be happy, feel fully alive, and to stand strongly in my truth as a powerful survivor. I know I'm powerful because my child self was able to live through horrific rapes. If she could do that, my adult self can do this.
I'm holding hope for your peace & joy too.
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