It must be someone's fault! Rape doesn't just occur. No adult acknowledged what they did. I'm so young and I believe everything that happens to me must be about me. So it must have been my fault. - My Child Self
After each attack as a child, I died a little more. This post's picture reminds me of several things. Like the mass of confused feelings, my hidden mis-beliefs about my traumas being my fault, and how I abandoned myself. The picture looks dead. Just as I felt inside.
Abandoning or dying to myself was the only way I could keep going. My pain, my hidden rage, and devastated states of mind were all too much for a child to handle, so I went numb. So numb that I really didn't feel I existed. My existence was living through others and being what I thought I needed to be in order to survive and cover up my endless inner torment.
Throughout the years of healing, I slowly formed a sense of self. It was a good starting place. From there I've continued to work on having a relationship with my emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and physical parts of self. Loving and accepting my physical self has been the hardest because I secretly blamed my body for being raped as a child.
Padding my body with an armor of fat to keep others away and feel a false sense of safety went on for many years. The eating behavior was also an abusive act towards myself expressing my self-hatred.
But there was help with that, and I found it in Marianne Williamson's book, A Course In Weight Loss, which should be titled, A Course in Learning to Love Yourself. That book helped me dig deeper and find many lies I secretly held toward myself, like self hatred and blaming my private parts for being raped. As I worked through these mis-beliefs, the author helped me replace them with love and acceptance. Marianne's book, which includes blank pages for writing exercises, helped me embrace my body with love and then I lost the extra weight.
My weight was a cover up, and as I let it go, I was able to see the truth within me and heal instead of reaching for more food.
“When you grasp excessively for anything in this world…you deny what is trying to emerge from deep within you.” - Marianne Williamson’s book, A Course In Weight Loss, page150
Have you uncovered thoughts of self-blame within you? Are you on a journey of learning how to love yourself? Let's start a conversation and share what we have learned in order to support each other.
With Love & Hope for Your Healing,
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